Dear Friends,
Thank you for your support and interest so far.
When I had first emailed our contacts the blog link, I had asked if there was an energy around opening up this space to our children. I have had many calls and emails encouraging me to do so. I would like to open up a discussion around this in the blog.
Yes, I personally agree that this space can be a bridge only if we hear from our children and vice versa. But are we ready to hear what they have to say? I must admit, I am a wee bit scared of hearing a few things which might make us uncomfortable. But thats the whole point of this blog and I say, let's go for it.
What do you think? Any ideas?
Manju
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Dear Friends
Reality Vs Ideal,
It would be great to have an ideal reaction each time we are faced with a situation. I choose to call it a situation rather than a problem, because personally for me, I feel a lot more postive when I am handling a situation rather than handling a problem.
One of the things I have always found helpful is exactly what Kumar and Allan pointed out in their comments.It is important to get the other parent's view point and also to communicate the decision to our child in a way that lets them know that though the decision may be in the negative - we are still on their side.
Easier said than done?
Not all parents can agree on priorities. As parents who been raised in separate families, with different values, it is vital for them to come to an agreement on what their common priorities will be regarding their teenager. The hardest bit for a teenager is when the parents cannot agree and each impose and communicate a different set of expectations to the child.
WHen I say a different set, I do not mean a conflicting set always - ie, it probably never happens that one expects the child to prioritise academics while the other discourages it. It might just be that one focuses entirely on academics while the other entirely on extracurricular activities. We need to realise that the child is then faced with meeting two sets of expectations which is sometimes unrealistic and hard on them.
The task then lies with us - to have a set of realistic expectations which complement the abilities of our children and relieves some of the pressure that takes the childhood out of their lives.
It would be great to have an ideal reaction each time we are faced with a situation. I choose to call it a situation rather than a problem, because personally for me, I feel a lot more postive when I am handling a situation rather than handling a problem.
One of the things I have always found helpful is exactly what Kumar and Allan pointed out in their comments.It is important to get the other parent's view point and also to communicate the decision to our child in a way that lets them know that though the decision may be in the negative - we are still on their side.
Easier said than done?
Not all parents can agree on priorities. As parents who been raised in separate families, with different values, it is vital for them to come to an agreement on what their common priorities will be regarding their teenager. The hardest bit for a teenager is when the parents cannot agree and each impose and communicate a different set of expectations to the child.
WHen I say a different set, I do not mean a conflicting set always - ie, it probably never happens that one expects the child to prioritise academics while the other discourages it. It might just be that one focuses entirely on academics while the other entirely on extracurricular activities. We need to realise that the child is then faced with meeting two sets of expectations which is sometimes unrealistic and hard on them.
The task then lies with us - to have a set of realistic expectations which complement the abilities of our children and relieves some of the pressure that takes the childhood out of their lives.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Dear friends
I believe we are lucky to have teenagers.
It's an amazing age when our children are discovering themselves and exploring the mystery of life in a completely different way each day.
And while they are on this enthralling journey, as parents we go through an emotional roller coaster, hitting highs and lows we never thought existed within us.
I have always felt uncomfortable when someone says "you know how they are - teenagers!” I think the labelling and pre-empting of behaviour patterns is unfair many a time and may perhaps be influencing teenagers to live up to the reputation.
Having said that, I do acknowledge that some behaviour patterns do exist amongst teenagers, just as patterns of behaviour also exist amongst us as parents.
For some, it is an instantaneous 'No' to any request. Some of us treat them as adults too soon, and some of us are in denial and refuse to let them grow up leading to the all too familiar "I'm not a kid anymore" scream.
I am guilty of all of the above in varying degrees. To tell you the truth, I am as inconsistent as a teenager!!(Now who's labelling?) My daughter who will be 15 soon is conveniently "You are just 14" or “You are almost 15" depending on what the request is and what suits me. At times, I swing between trying to tell her she needs to be independent while fiercely refusing permission to let her even try and explore her capabilities.
And I know I am not alone. I'm sure there are many mums and dads out there, wondering when to let go and when to hold back.
I am certain we all have days when we are exasperated both with our teenagers and with ourselves, wondering if we could have handled things differently. I am sure we have all had moments when our teenager has said "You just don’t understand me" even as you tell them they will understand you only when they grow up and have children of their own.
Do we really have to wait that long?
That is the main reason for starting this blog - to try and bridge the gap.
As we share experiences with other parents we will be able to see things in perspective. When we start sharing our emotions, high and low, that come with raising teenagers and understand what other parents and other teenagers are experiencing, we may realise "we are not alone" and pick up constructive suggestions of coping along the way.
I invite you to this blog and hope you invite your friends, both dads and mums to it.
How this will work
I will blog under my name only to facilitate administration and suggestions on how we can shape this blog. My blog as a parent will be under a pseudonym.
Users can either comment on other posts or post your own on this space.Anyone can leave a comment, but to post a blog, you will need to recieve an invite as an author/contributor. The best way is to request for an invite after having created a username and email id which will not identify you. You can send in your request via email or leave a request on the comments space.
My suggestion to post blogs and comments using a username or screen name (which is not any person’s name) is just so that the privacy of our family is maintained. Please avoid any reference that may identify your teenager or their friends.
Please do give me your suggestions and advice to help improve this blog. I am a novice at this and would appreciate any help. I am sure this space will evolve as we pool in more resources.
I hope this becomes a safe space for us to communicate and make our journey with our children through their teenage years "the best years of their lives and ours".
It's an amazing age when our children are discovering themselves and exploring the mystery of life in a completely different way each day.
And while they are on this enthralling journey, as parents we go through an emotional roller coaster, hitting highs and lows we never thought existed within us.
I have always felt uncomfortable when someone says "you know how they are - teenagers!” I think the labelling and pre-empting of behaviour patterns is unfair many a time and may perhaps be influencing teenagers to live up to the reputation.
Having said that, I do acknowledge that some behaviour patterns do exist amongst teenagers, just as patterns of behaviour also exist amongst us as parents.
For some, it is an instantaneous 'No' to any request. Some of us treat them as adults too soon, and some of us are in denial and refuse to let them grow up leading to the all too familiar "I'm not a kid anymore" scream.
I am guilty of all of the above in varying degrees. To tell you the truth, I am as inconsistent as a teenager!!(Now who's labelling?) My daughter who will be 15 soon is conveniently "You are just 14" or “You are almost 15" depending on what the request is and what suits me. At times, I swing between trying to tell her she needs to be independent while fiercely refusing permission to let her even try and explore her capabilities.
And I know I am not alone. I'm sure there are many mums and dads out there, wondering when to let go and when to hold back.
I am certain we all have days when we are exasperated both with our teenagers and with ourselves, wondering if we could have handled things differently. I am sure we have all had moments when our teenager has said "You just don’t understand me" even as you tell them they will understand you only when they grow up and have children of their own.
Do we really have to wait that long?
That is the main reason for starting this blog - to try and bridge the gap.
As we share experiences with other parents we will be able to see things in perspective. When we start sharing our emotions, high and low, that come with raising teenagers and understand what other parents and other teenagers are experiencing, we may realise "we are not alone" and pick up constructive suggestions of coping along the way.
I invite you to this blog and hope you invite your friends, both dads and mums to it.
How this will work
I will blog under my name only to facilitate administration and suggestions on how we can shape this blog. My blog as a parent will be under a pseudonym.
Users can either comment on other posts or post your own on this space.Anyone can leave a comment, but to post a blog, you will need to recieve an invite as an author/contributor. The best way is to request for an invite after having created a username and email id which will not identify you. You can send in your request via email or leave a request on the comments space.
My suggestion to post blogs and comments using a username or screen name (which is not any person’s name) is just so that the privacy of our family is maintained. Please avoid any reference that may identify your teenager or their friends.
Please do give me your suggestions and advice to help improve this blog. I am a novice at this and would appreciate any help. I am sure this space will evolve as we pool in more resources.
I hope this becomes a safe space for us to communicate and make our journey with our children through their teenage years "the best years of their lives and ours".
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