Reality Vs Ideal,
It would be great to have an ideal reaction each time we are faced with a situation. I choose to call it a situation rather than a problem, because personally for me, I feel a lot more postive when I am handling a situation rather than handling a problem.
One of the things I have always found helpful is exactly what Kumar and Allan pointed out in their comments.It is important to get the other parent's view point and also to communicate the decision to our child in a way that lets them know that though the decision may be in the negative - we are still on their side.
Easier said than done?
Not all parents can agree on priorities. As parents who been raised in separate families, with different values, it is vital for them to come to an agreement on what their common priorities will be regarding their teenager. The hardest bit for a teenager is when the parents cannot agree and each impose and communicate a different set of expectations to the child.
WHen I say a different set, I do not mean a conflicting set always - ie, it probably never happens that one expects the child to prioritise academics while the other discourages it. It might just be that one focuses entirely on academics while the other entirely on extracurricular activities. We need to realise that the child is then faced with meeting two sets of expectations which is sometimes unrealistic and hard on them.
The task then lies with us - to have a set of realistic expectations which complement the abilities of our children and relieves some of the pressure that takes the childhood out of their lives.
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Where is the balance? My son's day is so crammed with school and activities that I feel terrible to load him with any extra work. Yet, in this country, we all do need to get them to be self sufficient. So I do give him some responsibilities around the house over weekends and some weekdays. However, that cuts into his time,leaving him no time to relax. I guess time mamagement is the key, but to be honest,he does do things pretty fast. I'm in a constant dilema. Get him to do some basic stuff or let him relax a bit. I wonder by not exposing him to chores around the house I am spoiling him and when I do insist , I feel like a slavemaster.
ReplyDeleteTaruna Auckland
As parents we expect our children to grow higher than us, especially to the extent that they are able to be 'extra self-sufficient' - this is the reason why the children are pressurised to excel (in what???) academics or life in general..I don't know what is more important - popularity & independence or limited expectations & being an introvert or maybe a bit of both. Children have to learn to balance and hence a little bit of chores, like 15 mins a day won't hurt. Anyway our children know that we are there for them whenever it is a bit too much for them to cope. I think we are a generation of parents who have a sort of understanding of our childrens needs....that's where communication is very important.
ReplyDeleteSandra
Where's the balance actually? Does anyone else suffer as much self - doubt as I do? I wonder! My parents didnt focus on me as much as I focus on my children, but again, they never had to. I motivated myself. I never get as many 'well done's as I give my children. Are we in a generation that is paranoid of not doing the right things for their children? We seem to be messing up royally at times.
ReplyDeleteAmeena , Christchurch
I personally feel that because we as kids did not have as many opportunities (for whatever reasons), we would like to offer our children opportunities and if there is a balance of it all (study, play/sports, music, some small tasks around the house or simply tidying up after themselves) during weekdays and helping out a bit (say 30 min total on a holiday... it would not kill as one day they too will be independent and have to fend for themselves and by exposing them to do small stuff for themselves early on will help them in the long run. What I find most helpful is communicating with kids ...
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